Finding self love, hope, and joy

I thought my mind and body weren’t good enough. Self-love does not come naturally to me and it has been a long process. I’ll go through phases where I write 5 good things that happened to me every night, partly because I’ll do anything Oprah suggests. But the one I do the most is to check in with myself and ask “hey, is this decision good for me? Have I been doing healthy things recently?” I make a conscious effort to make sure that I’m doing something for the right reasons. Sometimes I’m wrong, and trust me, I’ve had plenty of heartbreak. 

I lived at the beach the summer after my freshman year of high school with my family and cousins. My older cousin Annie was 16 and my best friend. We both had crushes on pool lifeguards. She finally got the courage to talk to her crush and 2 days later they had sex. I couldn’t believe she lost her virginity to someone she barely knew. Before I knew it, we were sneaking out windows and drinking, but I would eventually have to go so that Annie and Blake could be alone. I felt forgotten and ignored and just wanted a boy to love me. I started kissing any boy just to feel wanted, even just a few minutes.

The next summer, I returned to the beach and my lifeguard crush. He had a girlfriend but this summer I was much more confident. With some encouragement from Annie, I started to lie about how experienced I was and shamelessly flirted with him. I was willing to give my body and heart to a boy I barely knew - and who was committed to someone else. 

This was the beginning of my lowest point. One night, out of nervousness and to prove my maturity, I drank 15 shots at a house party. I blacked out early on and had to hear about the night’s events and my behavior from a friend the morning after. I was broken, I hated myself. I thought the feeling of pure embarrassment and regret would never go away. But I kept going. Another night at a small get-together, a boy asked me if I wanted to go on a walk. I said no initially, but eventually my vulnerability and desperation for someone to care about me changed my mind. We wound up at his house and I let myself down in ways I never thought I could. I did things with a boy I barely knew and he wouldn’t even kiss me after.

I cried for days after. I tried blaming everyone else. I really thought something was wrong with me and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It took me a while to accept that I needed to stop blaming other people. Accepting myself and my decisions provided me with agency over my life. I immediately felt in control of my life again. Understanding that I am the sole ruler of my will was liberating. Realizing that I have power to reflect, accept, and improve. I am important, I am strong, I am beautiful. Accepting ownership of the situation at the beach was difficult, but it introduced me to hope. My Girl Talk mentor, said the most beautiful statement about hope that I want to share: 

“The way I see it, hope is our lifeboat out of any situation. No matter how low we feel, how crazily wrapped up we are in our emotions, no matter the depth of our sorrows or anxieties, hope is the lifesaver that keeps us afloat and leads us all back to happiness and love. Hope that we have the strength within to weather the storm. It's not always about conquering the storm -- it's moving through it. Hope that we all have the capacity to grow and blossom in the morning, next week, or next year.. Hope that we all have wonderful things to contribute to the world around us.”

Now that I had hope, and knew my decisions were mine, I knew I had to make healthier ones. 

All of these events led me to see what I deserved and that I was enough. 

I stopped screaming for love and attention and I finally began to listen. We all struggle with self-worth and self-love and sometimes it takes a lot of life lessons to see that we didn’t deserve the way we treated ourselves. Listen to your body, mind, and your soul. Listen to other people when they say nice things about you. Listen for the hope. Listen, and you’ll hear how deserving you are of every happiness and love the world has to offer.