Rising Up From My Eating Disorder

Some struggles end up being a blessing. My eating disorder wound up being that blessing because it was through it that I found myself again.  

I started to seriously struggle with my weight in 10th grade. My best friend had a fascination with her weight and I eventually found myself in a weight competition with her to win the attention of a boy. We would measure the distance between our kilts and stomachs to see who had dropped more weight. In the end, the competition between us created such resentment that we no longer wanted the boy –  now, all we wanted was to be skinnier than each other. This made me view all my friendships with girls as competitions and it made me OBSESSED with my weight.  

I was sure that the only way to make myself worthy of love was to become as skinny as possible. Maybe if there was less to love, I would be easier to love. I found a high school diary page recently with some resolutions that read: “Eat as little as possible without anyone noticing.” This was real; this was how I thought.  

That summer I worked as a counselor, which occupied my time during the day, but when I went home at night I laid on my cot and cried myself to sleep. I felt out of control and helpless. I didn’t like myself and I hated that I didn’t like myself.  

 One day I had a meeting with one of my camper’s parents. Her mom asked me to talk to Elise about her eating habits. “I’m really worried. I think she has a disorder,” she said. That’s when it hit me. I couldn’t believe that Elise didn’t see how beautiful and perfect she was. I was devastated that this adorable little girl couldn’t see what I saw in her.

I watched Elise in the cafeteria the next day, poking at her lunch: a Tupperware of lettuce. When I asked where the rest of her lunch was, she answered frankly: “I’m dieting because I need to slim it down if I want to be pretty for my quinceanera.” I remembered when I dieted for my sixteenth birthday party. Elise sparked a host of dilemmas for me: how could I teach this sweet, adorable girl to love herself when I didn’t even know how to love myself? I realized that if I was going to help Elise, I needed to help myself, too.

With help from a friend I could trust to listen and encourage me, I was able to say the words out loud: “I have an eating disorder. Without saying the words, I couldn’t getter better. Accepting the words was painful, but it was the beginning of the end. My friend’s support reshaped my idea of friendship and made me realize the importance of being a listener to those around you.

But it was my camper Elise, who made me realize that I was more than a number on the scale. I realized that I needed to rediscover myself. A quote that helped me reprioritize and gain perspective is “Once upon a time, you were a little girl with big dreams you promised yourself you’d make real one day. Don’t disappoint yourself.” Thinking back to my nine-year-old self, I realized with pain that she probably wouldn’t be proud of me. I decided to stop trying to impress other people and to start focusing on making myself proud so that I could teach Elise to be proud. 

Too often we think we are alone in our struggles. Out of shame we isolate ourselves and don’t share, trust, or rely on other people. To help keep my perspective and embrace a healthier lifestyle, I started following fitness girls on Instagram. I was shocked to find that every single account was littered with self-deprecating captions. I saw these girls as “perfect” but they were going through their own struggles! Behind all the photo filters, makeup, and responsibilities, we’re all vulnerable. It gave me hope to see that I wasn’t alone with this struggle to be “the girl with no problems.” 

My attitude slowly began to change to one of self-forgiveness and self-awareness. I took one day at a time and made decisions to enhance my day and life. My path to appreciating myself and confronting my eating disorder and negative body image hinged on the girls who listened and supported me. The girls who were vulnerable and shared their experiences with me. 

We all have problems. We all feel so very alone in our struggles, but we’re not. We need to stand together because we’re not just what we show on the surface. Life is a messy journey and we’re all going to struggle but the fact that we’re not walking alone can make our journey successful and beautiful. It’s not about not having the struggles, but making them beautiful and a turning them into a time of growth. 

Girl Talk has taught me, has shown me, that I’m enough, worthy, and loved. It has shown me how to overcome, to rise up.