Confronting My Inner, Hidden Anxiety

I thought of college as an opportunity to escape -- to put distance between all the parts of my life that I thought were holding me back: family problems, feeling inadequate, and feeling forgotten. I thought that college would remake me. Turn me into a better version of myself. What I was really expecting is that I would turn into someone else. My idea of a “perfect person.” I soon realized that it wasn’t home I was trying to escape, I was seeking refuge from myself. From my own anxieties. College can really change a person – that’s true – and I was ready for it, but what I didn't expect was that the parts of me I tried to keep hidden for years would start to emerge.

I always have had anxiety. Every assignment  and expectation became a crushing weight because I thought I was a disappointment. My interior life was dark and suffocating but on the outside I was cool, calm, and collected. I did everything to avoid acknowledging the feelings that were eating me alive. I worked 30 hours each week on top of my busy class load just to avoid acknowledging myself.

I thought college would be more of the same but because I was 500 miles away from home, I would somehow mature into a new person. Free from anxiety. While my friends talked about typical pre-college jitters, I kept my cool. If I let one drop of my worry out, I would soon be swept away in a deluge of pent up worry. The day I left for DC, I held back the tears and smiled. There was no way I was going to let my Dad in on my secret anxiety. 

By day 3 of orientation, I was completely unraveling. This whole time I had associated home with my discomfort and worry and that’s why I thought I needed to leave. It took me leaving home to realize that my neighborhood, my family, my friends, my house were the things that kept me tethered. When we are in a new place, we naturally gravitate toward the familiar. My problem was that being in a new school and new city, the only thing that was familiar to me…was me. I was forced to confront everything I tried so hard to keep hidden. 

I didn’t eat or smile. I wanted to get out – run away. I all the time. I tried to convince myself that the root cause was the school. Certainly, it wasn’t me. I’m always calm, cool, and collected, remember? I finally went to my RA but the hours of late night chats and her wonderful encouragement, couldn’t stop the tears. The next day she took my hand and we walked together to the counseling center.

I have never wanted to admit that I need help. To me, that showed weakness and an inability to cope. But this experience eventually taught me that it’s okay not to be okay. The RA who walked me to the counseling center showed me that people cared. Even when they didn’t need to. Unlike all the classes and work and activities I loaded myself with in high school, I was beginning to understand that love and friendship are not responsibilities. There are no prerequisites or qualifications for kindness. They are gifts. In the past, my attempts to be strong separated my mind from my heart and walled me off from the world around me. Confronting my anxieties and allowing myself to feel the depths of my emotions was one of the most painful experiences I have had, but it was also one of the most courageous.

I received medication to help with the panic symptoms I was experiencing and learned short term coping strategies. I started to let go of some of the worries in my head. I found the hope I was looking for and it didn’t come from being 500 miles away from home or from some picturesque college setting – it came from me. From my heart, from seeing the hearts of others, from accepting help from the counselor and phyciatrist. It came from my sheer grit. I got involved and started to love school so much that I never wanted to leave. I began to see the beauty of the world around me. 

Its okay not to be okay. There is beauty in your weakness and beauty in letting others step in to help you. I’m learning that I am enough, even with my weaknesses because I will always be worthy and I will always be loved.